Archive for the ‘Sandwich Generation’ Category
Digital Assets. I remember when my parents got their first and only desk-top computer. It was in the late 1990’s and it was a hand-me-down from friends who were early technology adapters. At first, they were very interested in learning how to use it. For a while I believe they were spending more money on computer tutors than food.
When my father died, he had notebooks filled with instructions about how to log on. He wanted to use the computer for word processing and my mother wanted to learn how to use email. However, they both suffered from fear of deletion. That is, they were both terrified that they would delete what they had written, never be able to recover the text or the thought and some how break the computer in the process. Consequently, my father continued to do his creative writing in long hand and my mother used the telephone to communicate.
My mother ultimately overcame her diagraphephobia (can you believe there is a word for fear of deletion?) and became quite adept at playing bridge online, but she never did use email.
It is much more common now for people in my parents’ generation to use computers so that they can communicate with their children and grandchildren. These Digital Immigrants are amassing digital assets. Increasingly, digital assets are a consideration in estate planning. There are companies that have developed products that help to protect digital assets and assure that data is accessible to executors or named individuals after the owner passes away. Entrustet, Legacy Locker and DataInherit are three such companies.
Tips: Check the websites above to see what qualifies as a digital asset. Entrustet has a digital property search function for deceased people. So, even if it was not a consideration during estate planning, the executor can obtain the information. It is always best to obtain a list of accounts and passwords while your parents are still alive.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Co-executors. My parents always strove to treat my sister and me equally and fairly. In death, they wanted to continue the tradition and named both my sister and me to be co-executors of their will. I know that their intent was to have a fair and equal distribution of their assets and not to appear to favor one over the other with the assignation of executor.
My sister lives on the West Coast and I live on the East Coast. To jointly execute the will would have meant countless hours coordinating the signing and notarizing of documents and co-signing checks. It would have been a logistical nightmare.
Luckily, my sister and I have a wonderful and trusting relationship. Soon after my mother died, my sister agreed to formally renounce her role as executor, leaving me as the sole executor. She had no interest in the administrative minutia that is a large part of being an executor. I found being an executor to be extremely time-consuming and was grateful that I did not have the added burden of coordinating every move with my sister.
Tips: Parents should consider the skill sets and availability of their children when choosing an executor. If there is doubt that the siblings will treat each other fairly, consider a neutral party outside the family, like a lawyer. If the choice is to have multiple executors, understand that this will result in incremental time coordinating with each other. Finally, if you are one of multiple executors you can formally renounce your responsibilities.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Absentee Ballots. Elderly people vote. According to the US Census, people over 65 years old have a greater percentage of registered voters than any other age group and higher voting rates as well. My mother died two days before election day in 2006, after a several week stay in the hospital. One of our last projects together was trying to obtain an absentee ballot as she was keen on voting.
As your parents or loved ones get older, the easiest way for them to vote is through an absentee ballot. And the easiest way to get an absentee ballot is to plan ahead so that you are not racing against the clock and dealing with unnecessary bureaucracy.
Please note, once you are acting as executor, absentee ballots are totally irrelevant as the deceased can not vote. Except of course, in Chicago.
Tips: Encourage your elderly parents to apply for absentee ballots and assist them in obtaining them. If you know your parent is going into the hospital for an operation or treatment, think ahead and get the absentee ballot.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Photographs. My father was the photographer in our family. He had a camera at every family event. First it was a Brownie and then a Polaroid and eventually a Nikon with a zoom lens. He wasn’t focused on composition or artful photographs, he was chronicling the events. When he died, he left behind over 15 albums of Polaroids and 85 sleeves of 100 color slides each dating back to 1957. These photos and slides take up a lot of room and are currently occupying a closet in my house.
This is in stark contrast to the over 8000 digital photos I have of our daughter which are all housed on my computer and various back-up cd’s and portable disc drives, none of which would fill a bread box. I have long imagined that I would some day digitize my father’s photos. However, that would be a long and tedious process. There are services now that will do the scanning for you, but you still have to organize your photographs and it is quite costly if you have a huge volume of photos.
We do look at the pictures and thoroughly enjoy doing so. We recognize virtually everyone since they all family members and close friends. My father was meticulous about labeling the Polaroids so in the event we don’t know, we can look on the back and find out.
Tips: If you are taking the slides, don’t forget to take the slide projector. Store the photos in a cool, dry place to minimize further degradation. Enjoy the photos.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Unclaimed funds. I never understood this. Why would any sane person who is not in a witness protection program not claim money that was rightfully theirs? It seems to me that “unclaimed” is just a euphemism for “we-forgot-to-tell-you-that-we-have-your-money-and-are-keeping-it-for-you.”
States require banks, insurance companies, utilities and many other companies to turn over inactive accounts. The state then serves as custodian for the funds until they are claimed.
Our estate lawyer suggested that I search the data bases of the states my parents lived in to see if there were any unclaimed funds. Searching for unclaimed funds is easy and it is free. The states publish the information and it is readily available online.
Sure enough, I found and recovered a couple hundred dollars that belonged to my father. The state data base had his full name and address. Again, I can’t figure out why they didn’t just send him the money or at least a notification while he was alive, but they didn’t.
There are multiple services online now that offer assistance, but they require your email and I assume, ultimately a fee to recover the money that they found for free. Recovering the found funds should not cost you anything either.
Tips: Checking for unclaimed funds is something you can do for your parents while they are alive. Be sure to check for alternate spellings and check in all states where they lived and might have had a bank account. In fact, this is so easy, you should do it for yourself while you are at it!
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Clothes. I remember when I was growing up my mother would occasionally say to me, “You’re wearing that?” Her meaning was clear. She did not like the outfit ~ usually because she thought it did not flatter me. My mother had been a professional clothing buyer and had exquisite fashion sense.
She was very tall and in the 1960’s and 1970’s, most of the department stores and boutiques did not sell clothes in her size, so she learned to sew. She always said that she didn’t want to wear clothes that looked like they had been made by “loving hands at home,” so some of her early efforts were given away. Her first sewing project were mother/daughter dresses ~ identical dresses that she made for herself and me. My father did not like the way hers looked on her so she gave her dress to our housekeeper. I kept my dress. While I loved our housekeeper and was happy to be twins with her, I was a bit jealous when my mother kept the next dress which matched one that she made for my sister Jodie.
My mother became an extremely accomplished seamstress. However, as she got older, much to her delight, stores started stocking clothes in her size and the catalog business made all sizes available to everyone. My mother had so many clothes that when she moved into the independent living facility, she converted the bathtub to a full double-door closet bringing her total of double-door clothing closets to four.
Converting the tub to a closet was a clever way to utilize space that would otherwise go unused. My mother’s apartment had two showers and she was unable to get in and out of the tub, so a clothing closet was the perfect solution.
When each of my parents died, there was an enormous amount of clothing to get rid of. If there are family members who wear the same size, the task could be made easier by giving them the clothes they want. It is much easier with men, because blazers and button down shirts fit into most men’s wardrobes. I found with my mother’s clothes that even if I had worn the same size, which I did not, I would not have wanted the clothes as they were not sufficiently youthful or appropriate for my lifestyle. I could just hear my mother saying, “You’re wearing that?”
None-the-less, I felt that I wanted some clothes to remind me of my mother. I took a few shirts which I use for gardening, but the real treasure trove was in the accessories. Scarves, pocketbooks and gloves for women and ties for men. When we were kids, we would make beautiful costumes out of my mother’s scarves which smelled of her perfume so I was delighted to take as many scarves as I could. Oh, and I took the built-in Singer sewing machine/desk. This despite the fact that I seriously don’t have the foggiest notion of how to use it.
We donated the bulk of both my mother and father’s clothing to charity. There was a sufficient amount of clothing so that we were able to have it picked up in both instances.
Tips: Call around to see what charities will pick up wardrobes. Be sure to have an inventory if you are planning on taking a tax deduction for the donation.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Telephones. In the early 70’s, Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In was a big favorite in our house. In particular, we liked Lily Tomlin’s Ernestine who’s catch phrase was, ‘One Ringy-Dingy’ and who snorted when she laughed. We thought the woman stuck in the old-fashioned era of telephone operators was hilarious.
My parents were hip and modern and not stuck in some bygone era where phones required operator assistance. They made a graceful transition to the age of telephones. This was a time when the only kind of telephone was what we now refer to quaintly as a land line. We had one telephone number and several telephones in our house.
Then came car phones. We considered it a luxury and we never had one. Over time cell phones became more prevalent until there was virtual ubiquity. My father never had one. My mother finally broke down and purchased a cell phone for emergencies. This phone stayed in her pocketbook, drained of its charge, for over a year. Finally, she put it in the cradle at home to charge and it stayed there for another couple of years happily charging away.
My mother finally found a use for her cell phone when she went into the hospital. It was purely a cost-benefit analysis. Hospitals began charging usurious rates for local and long distance calls. Having a cell phone enabled my mother to make calls for a cheaper rate and allowed her the flexibility to make calls when the hospital phones were shut off.
So, in the end, my mother was hip and modern again and totally facile with her new-fangled cell phone.
Tip: Be sure to cancel cell phone service as well as home telephone service. You may be due a pro-rated refund for the last month of service.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
My sister Jodie reminds me that pets are people too. All pet owners want a loving home for their pets when they are no longer around to care for them. See Jodie’s post below.
For many older people living alone, Fido is their best friend. Knowing their pet will be loved forever and given that well deserved kibble will give them peace of mind. Making arrangements for a pet can be a difficult decision, the best option, is a friend or family member, especially if they already know and love the pet.
If this is not possible, purebreds from Basset Hounds to Great Danes may be able to be returned to the breeder, as all reputable breeders will always take back their animals. If this won’t work, purebred, or even dogs that are a little this and a lot of that, but predominantly one breed can be turned into purebred rescues.
The last option of course is turning them into a no-kill organization such as the North Shore Animal League America or the ASPCA.
Making these plans well in advance will make both Fido and Fido’s mom or dad feel much more comfortable, and these plans should be discussed and written down so everyone knows for sure what the plan is, and if it includes any special drugs or health routine. Money can be set aside for Fido’s health and well-being for food and trips to the groomer, and this should be discussed and written down, too.
Jodie, Dixie and Cody
No pet lover would willingly forget to make arrangements for their pets ~ however, some may not be specific enough about it or make assumptions that are not feasible. Sometimes, the best laid plans can go wrong. As a Board member of San Francisco Samoyed Rescue, I rescued a 10-year-old female Samoyed, Dixie, who was returned to the breeder when the person who had promised to take Dixie changed her mind. But as you can see, her loss was my gain.
Tip: Check with veterinarians in your area as they often know of families that are looking for a pet.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
“It’s none of your business.” That is what my mother told me when I first asked about my parents will. And my father agreed with her.
Then, with a twinkle in her eye she said, “What are you planning to do with the money?” I protested that it was not about the money, I was 40 years old, had a Wharton MBA and felt I deserved to know what their plans were.
Then, as she was enjoying the back and forth she went into mock Jewish guilt trip mode. “What did we do to deserve this?” ” “Haven’t we been good parents?” And finally, “Do you want me and your father dead?”
The fact was that both of my parents were healthy at the time and honestly didn’t see the necessity in involving me in their estate planning. I wasn’t even the executor of their wills at that point. My mother was toying with me, but at the same time, she didn’t give me the information I sought.
The early conversations did not go well from my perspective, although I am sure they went swimmingly from my parents’ perspective. But, little by little, over a period of months I began to chip away at their defenses. I explained that I was interested in understanding their desires as it related to their assets and that they didn’t have to tell me the dollar amounts if that made them uncomfortable. They, meanwhile, had rewritten their will and made my sister and me co-executors of the surviving spouse’s will. By the time my father had his stroke, my mother was completely willing to talk with me about all aspects of their estate planning.
This is a conversation that you should have while your parents are alive and well.
Tip: Be persistent. Find out what the objection is to having the conversation and try to allay fears. Use a variety of approaches. Ask with your siblings present. Explain the importance. Tell worst-case scenarios. Explain the benefits of maintaining their legacy.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
In Why We Write About Grief from The New York Times on February 27, Joyce Carol Oates and Meghan O’Rourke speak about why they wrote books about the deaths of their loved ones ~ husband and mother respectively. I understand why people write about losing loved ones. Before this blog, I wrote lengthy emails about the declining state of first my father’s health, then my mother’s health and then my own health with my cancer diagnosis to a small group of friends and family. I had a fantasy that I could write away the wrong that was occurring and at the same time, it grounded me in the reality of it.
I found that carrying out my role as executor had many of the same benefits that writing about grief has ~ it is cathartic and therapeutic. Importantly, it helped to keep me connected to my parents. In many ways, I continued to learn about my mother and father by sorting through their belongings, reading their mail and speaking with their friends.
Tip: There are positive aspects to being an executor and helping to settle a loved one’s estate. Celebrate the connectedness. Preserve their memory. Believe that they would have been proud of the job you are doing.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Julie Rothhouse
The Executor Advisor 