Archive for the ‘Grieving’ Category
Burial plots. In 1948 my father’s father bought a funeral plot with four grave spaces for $300. He put $90 as a down payment and paid the rest in $9 monthly installments. I know this because I found the original deed of sale in my mother’s papers. I subsequently had to reopen my father’s estate in order to transfer ownership of the plots to my sister and me.
Technically, it was one plot with four grave spaces. The spaces were for my grandmother and grandfather who are buried there and presumably their children, my father and his sister. When my grandfather purchased the plot, he didn’t take into account the fact that his children might marry, or decide on different burial arrangements. As it turns out, they did. Two of the grave spaces remain unused to this day.
The cemetery will not purchase them back and resell them – so it is up to the owners to sell the burial plots. And grave spaces can run in the thousands of dollars. I imagined it would be quite difficult and have been procrastinating this sale for several years. As it turns out, you can sell plots on ebay and craigslist as well as a number of aggregators who provide a market to buy and sell plots in multiple geographic areas. For example: Buyandsellcemeteryplots.com, plotexchange.com, plotbrokers.com and thecemeteryregistry.com to name a few. Some cemeteries even have facebook pages. Reselling plots is a virtual cottage industry. Who knew?
Selling a grave site can involve fees levied by the cemetery to legally transfer the deed of ownership. Additionally, the state of New Jersey requires a maintenance and preservation fee which can equal 15% of the purchase price. This is not to maintain the actual grave, but is for maintenance and preservation of the cemetery itself.
Tips: Ideally, you would know the burial arrangements for your parents and would have the proper documentation for any burial plots, vaults, mausoleums, etc. If you are in possession of plots that will not be used, contact the cemetery to see if they will purchase the plots, or at a minimum, what the going rate is for the plots. Additionally, you should find out what mandatory fees exist and what the legal process is for transferring title to the plots. You should also find out if the cemetery has any religious restrictions that would impact your sale.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Absentee Ballots. Elderly people vote. According to the US Census, people over 65 years old have a greater percentage of registered voters than any other age group and higher voting rates as well. My mother died two days before election day in 2006, after a several week stay in the hospital. One of our last projects together was trying to obtain an absentee ballot as she was keen on voting.
As your parents or loved ones get older, the easiest way for them to vote is through an absentee ballot. And the easiest way to get an absentee ballot is to plan ahead so that you are not racing against the clock and dealing with unnecessary bureaucracy.
Please note, once you are acting as executor, absentee ballots are totally irrelevant as the deceased can not vote. Except of course, in Chicago.
Tips: Encourage your elderly parents to apply for absentee ballots and assist them in obtaining them. If you know your parent is going into the hospital for an operation or treatment, think ahead and get the absentee ballot.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Photographs. My father was the photographer in our family. He had a camera at every family event. First it was a Brownie and then a Polaroid and eventually a Nikon with a zoom lens. He wasn’t focused on composition or artful photographs, he was chronicling the events. When he died, he left behind over 15 albums of Polaroids and 85 sleeves of 100 color slides each dating back to 1957. These photos and slides take up a lot of room and are currently occupying a closet in my house.
This is in stark contrast to the over 8000 digital photos I have of our daughter which are all housed on my computer and various back-up cd’s and portable disc drives, none of which would fill a bread box. I have long imagined that I would some day digitize my father’s photos. However, that would be a long and tedious process. There are services now that will do the scanning for you, but you still have to organize your photographs and it is quite costly if you have a huge volume of photos.
We do look at the pictures and thoroughly enjoy doing so. We recognize virtually everyone since they all family members and close friends. My father was meticulous about labeling the Polaroids so in the event we don’t know, we can look on the back and find out.
Tips: If you are taking the slides, don’t forget to take the slide projector. Store the photos in a cool, dry place to minimize further degradation. Enjoy the photos.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Clothes. I remember when I was growing up my mother would occasionally say to me, “You’re wearing that?” Her meaning was clear. She did not like the outfit ~ usually because she thought it did not flatter me. My mother had been a professional clothing buyer and had exquisite fashion sense.
She was very tall and in the 1960’s and 1970’s, most of the department stores and boutiques did not sell clothes in her size, so she learned to sew. She always said that she didn’t want to wear clothes that looked like they had been made by “loving hands at home,” so some of her early efforts were given away. Her first sewing project were mother/daughter dresses ~ identical dresses that she made for herself and me. My father did not like the way hers looked on her so she gave her dress to our housekeeper. I kept my dress. While I loved our housekeeper and was happy to be twins with her, I was a bit jealous when my mother kept the next dress which matched one that she made for my sister Jodie.
My mother became an extremely accomplished seamstress. However, as she got older, much to her delight, stores started stocking clothes in her size and the catalog business made all sizes available to everyone. My mother had so many clothes that when she moved into the independent living facility, she converted the bathtub to a full double-door closet bringing her total of double-door clothing closets to four.
Converting the tub to a closet was a clever way to utilize space that would otherwise go unused. My mother’s apartment had two showers and she was unable to get in and out of the tub, so a clothing closet was the perfect solution.
When each of my parents died, there was an enormous amount of clothing to get rid of. If there are family members who wear the same size, the task could be made easier by giving them the clothes they want. It is much easier with men, because blazers and button down shirts fit into most men’s wardrobes. I found with my mother’s clothes that even if I had worn the same size, which I did not, I would not have wanted the clothes as they were not sufficiently youthful or appropriate for my lifestyle. I could just hear my mother saying, “You’re wearing that?”
None-the-less, I felt that I wanted some clothes to remind me of my mother. I took a few shirts which I use for gardening, but the real treasure trove was in the accessories. Scarves, pocketbooks and gloves for women and ties for men. When we were kids, we would make beautiful costumes out of my mother’s scarves which smelled of her perfume so I was delighted to take as many scarves as I could. Oh, and I took the built-in Singer sewing machine/desk. This despite the fact that I seriously don’t have the foggiest notion of how to use it.
We donated the bulk of both my mother and father’s clothing to charity. There was a sufficient amount of clothing so that we were able to have it picked up in both instances.
Tips: Call around to see what charities will pick up wardrobes. Be sure to have an inventory if you are planning on taking a tax deduction for the donation.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Advanced Directives. My parents completed living wills or advanced directives many years before they died. Their living wills clearly delineated what their wishes were in the event of a life-threatening event or illness. Appropriately, they discussed the living wills with my sister and me and we were named as executors. Despite all of this advanced planning, we ran into trouble with my mother’s living will.
My mother had given her living will to me and I had promptly taken it to Virginia and put it in our safe deposit box – per her instructions. When I went to New Jersey to take her to the hospital for what turned out to be the last time, I neglected to bring it with me.
My mother was really on the ball and she knew that we needed to bring the advanced directive with us to the hospital. Luckily, she produced a copy of it! We turned it in at the hospital and they put it in a binder with my mother’s name on it. As my mother’s condition deteriorated, my sister and I were poised to make some medical decisions and we instructed the hospital to follow the advanced directive which clearly outlined our mother’s wishes. It was then that they informed us that the copy which we submitted had not been executed or to put it in English, it was unsigned and therefore null and void.
We then began a series of tortured calculations to determine how we might get the signed copy. My husband could get it from our safe deposit box in Virginia and either drive it or FedEx it to me. Alternatively, we could speak with the in-house hospital lawyers during regular business hours to essentially create a new living will. When you are in a situation where minutes or hours matter, having the original FedExed or talking to the hospital lawyers really doesn’t cut it. As it turns out, we never needed to invoke the living will.
Tips: Keep the signed copy of the advanced directive with your parent and in a place that is easily accessible to you and them. Put it in a folder with all other important medical documents and have it handy for doctor’s visits and hospital check-ins.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Wills. My parents had a belief, common to their generation, that you should squirrel away your will in a place that was difficult to access. I’m not sure why this belief took hold – perhaps it was based on the fear that some unscrupulous heir would find the will and use white-out to change the will to their advantage.
Whatever the reason, people tend to hide or at a minimum store their wills under lock and key. As an executor, you do not want to be playing hide and seek with your deceased parent. If you can not locate the deceased’s will the estate will go into probate. This is exactly what a will is supposed to prevent.
Tip: You should determine the location of the original copy of your parent’s will before they die. This conversation is not about the content of the will and should not be contentious. If there is a safe deposit box involved, be sure to find out where the key is, the location of the box, and the number of the box.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
“It’s none of your business.” That is what my mother told me when I first asked about my parents will. And my father agreed with her.
Then, with a twinkle in her eye she said, “What are you planning to do with the money?” I protested that it was not about the money, I was 40 years old, had a Wharton MBA and felt I deserved to know what their plans were.
Then, as she was enjoying the back and forth she went into mock Jewish guilt trip mode. “What did we do to deserve this?” ” “Haven’t we been good parents?” And finally, “Do you want me and your father dead?”
The fact was that both of my parents were healthy at the time and honestly didn’t see the necessity in involving me in their estate planning. I wasn’t even the executor of their wills at that point. My mother was toying with me, but at the same time, she didn’t give me the information I sought.
The early conversations did not go well from my perspective, although I am sure they went swimmingly from my parents’ perspective. But, little by little, over a period of months I began to chip away at their defenses. I explained that I was interested in understanding their desires as it related to their assets and that they didn’t have to tell me the dollar amounts if that made them uncomfortable. They, meanwhile, had rewritten their will and made my sister and me co-executors of the surviving spouse’s will. By the time my father had his stroke, my mother was completely willing to talk with me about all aspects of their estate planning.
This is a conversation that you should have while your parents are alive and well.
Tip: Be persistent. Find out what the objection is to having the conversation and try to allay fears. Use a variety of approaches. Ask with your siblings present. Explain the importance. Tell worst-case scenarios. Explain the benefits of maintaining their legacy.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
In Why We Write About Grief from The New York Times on February 27, Joyce Carol Oates and Meghan O’Rourke speak about why they wrote books about the deaths of their loved ones ~ husband and mother respectively. I understand why people write about losing loved ones. Before this blog, I wrote lengthy emails about the declining state of first my father’s health, then my mother’s health and then my own health with my cancer diagnosis to a small group of friends and family. I had a fantasy that I could write away the wrong that was occurring and at the same time, it grounded me in the reality of it.
I found that carrying out my role as executor had many of the same benefits that writing about grief has ~ it is cathartic and therapeutic. Importantly, it helped to keep me connected to my parents. In many ways, I continued to learn about my mother and father by sorting through their belongings, reading their mail and speaking with their friends.
Tip: There are positive aspects to being an executor and helping to settle a loved one’s estate. Celebrate the connectedness. Preserve their memory. Believe that they would have been proud of the job you are doing.
Information found on this web site is for general informational purposes only based on personal experience and should not be construed as legal, tax or other professional advice. You should consult an experienced attorney , tax professional or financial advisor concerning your particular factual situation and any specific questions you may have.
Julie Rothhouse
The Executor Advisor 